He left for work one morning.
After leaving the house he called me up and said "Call AAA and tell them you have a flat."
I said, "I have a flat?"
He hung up.

I called him back. "Do I have a flat tire? Where are you?"
He said "Just do it." Hung up.

I called him back. "I don't understand. Why would I tell AAA I have a flat?"
"Don't call me again."

I went out to look at my car. It was gone. I called him again.
"Are you in my car?"
"Have you called AAA yet? I'm not talking to you till you call AAA."

I went out back, saw his truck. It had a flat.

I called AAA and reported that "my" truck had a flat.

I called him and said, "You took my car?"
He said, "did you call AAA?"
I said, "Yes. Did you take my car without asking?"
He hung up.

My stomach was in knots. I called him again. "I need my car today," I said, screaming at this point. "I am supposed to pick up boxes from someone on Craigslist. She can't hold them for me. Did you leave me keys to your truck?"
He said "I have to get on the subway now."
Hung up.

This is what my life was like. Every single day.

The past 3 days, he has managed to get a message thru to me every day. Left a voicemail. Texted my phone. Posted to my blog. Emailed my friend. I become so tired. I become so sad. I feel my face falling into an expression of distracted misery. It is impossible to smile. And then I realize: I always felt like this when I was with him. It was always like this. Calling calling calling. My phone beeping beeping beeping. Or deadly silence. Or explosive words, insults raining down on me. My bones, my muscles hurt where he hit me, but worse, my soul hurts where he hurt me.

New love: how do I know it won't devolve into that? He's ruined everything. No no, I'm not supposed to say that: I'm supposed to say tomorrow is a new day and I feel like he has ruined everything but that's an absolute and I have to retrain my brain. I'm trying. But my heart, my heart won't listen just yet.

Holy shit. I lived like that. How did I live like that?