I feel so hopeless
I have not posted because my plan was to delve into my history (my god, I just made a typo and typed "shit" instead of the "hist" in "history" -- is that amazing?!), but to do so felt insurmountable, boring, and pointless. Maybe that is an indication that there's so much there that I must delve into it, but -- anyway, it hasn't happened yet, though I've disussed in in therapy a bit. Bottom line seems to be, as my therapist says, "It could be for any number of reasons, but the important thing is you have to get out."
Getting out feels completely impossible. I am told, "Leaving me is not an option." And I don't know if I'm brainwashed or just -- I don't know what -- but I believe him on some deep level. I believe that if I leave, I will return, and things will only get worse. I believe this the same way I believe that if I drive my car off a cliff, I will crash to the ground. It is a law of nature that I can not fight.
Today I wept into the phone that I hate him, I want to go, he has to let me go, and he says, "You can try to go. See what happens." A statement that fills me with a deep dread that I can't describe except to say it's the feeling you might get if you were afraid of heights and someone told you to cross a chasm on a footbridge. The frozen feeling. The disobedience of your body as you tell it, "You are hooked up to bungee cords, you are over a net, you are on a very safe footbridge, you can not die doing this," yet your legs remain frozen. Oh! That is really the perfect analogy. I know I have to leave, and I can't because I have some kind of phobia about it. I am fucking sick in the head.
He locked me out this morning because he wants me to get money from my parents so we can get a summer house, and I don't want to ask them for anything. He locked me out because I "gave him the wrong answer." When I became upset he said "You are violating me with your tone and your volume." He learned these therapeutic terms and now he uses them against me.
He says he will continue to lock me out and will not allow me to pack for my trip because I will not get a life insurance policy and name him as beneficiary. I am ONLY allowed to name him, and I MUST get this policy. He claims I am on his, as one of 5 beneficiaries, but will not show me the paperwork: "I will show you when you show me." (A promise he has laid out before and broken each time.) He says that he will continue to lock me out of the house and will not allow me to pack for my trip until I show him these insurance papers.
I used to post on a message board, but the people on it became disgusted with me and asked me to stop posting since I obviously don't want to leave. This is what always happens. I disgust and disappoint those who think they can help me. I do want to leave. I want to leave so badly. I'm sick and I can't manage it. I don't know why and I'm so scared and I feel so alone.
Every half hour or so he calls and coldly asks, "Did you get the insurance yet? Did you get a loan from your parents yet?" If I become upset he hangs up on me. If I answer him he twists away from my words, hammering me with his angry questions about anything and everything except the fact that he won't allow me to be in his house if I disobey him. I must get away; does he not see that's the logical response to his behavior? He says I must "go with the flow" and everything will become great: he won't yell, we won't fight, all I have to do is bend to his will. For seven years I have been breaking my back trying to bend to his will; it is never enough. I told him "There is no flow. Living with you is living in chaos." Of course he can not hear, and the fact that I still expect to reach him is proof positive that there is something very, very wrong with me.
I could so easily lie and say I will ask my mom. I could so easily forge paperwork. I could get a month's worth and cancel; he won't know till I'm dead. The fact that I won't shows how sick I am. I really have something so wrong with me. The counselor who said I'm not sick is wroooong.
Getting out feels completely impossible. I am told, "Leaving me is not an option." And I don't know if I'm brainwashed or just -- I don't know what -- but I believe him on some deep level. I believe that if I leave, I will return, and things will only get worse. I believe this the same way I believe that if I drive my car off a cliff, I will crash to the ground. It is a law of nature that I can not fight.
Today I wept into the phone that I hate him, I want to go, he has to let me go, and he says, "You can try to go. See what happens." A statement that fills me with a deep dread that I can't describe except to say it's the feeling you might get if you were afraid of heights and someone told you to cross a chasm on a footbridge. The frozen feeling. The disobedience of your body as you tell it, "You are hooked up to bungee cords, you are over a net, you are on a very safe footbridge, you can not die doing this," yet your legs remain frozen. Oh! That is really the perfect analogy. I know I have to leave, and I can't because I have some kind of phobia about it. I am fucking sick in the head.
He locked me out this morning because he wants me to get money from my parents so we can get a summer house, and I don't want to ask them for anything. He locked me out because I "gave him the wrong answer." When I became upset he said "You are violating me with your tone and your volume." He learned these therapeutic terms and now he uses them against me.
He says he will continue to lock me out and will not allow me to pack for my trip because I will not get a life insurance policy and name him as beneficiary. I am ONLY allowed to name him, and I MUST get this policy. He claims I am on his, as one of 5 beneficiaries, but will not show me the paperwork: "I will show you when you show me." (A promise he has laid out before and broken each time.) He says that he will continue to lock me out of the house and will not allow me to pack for my trip until I show him these insurance papers.
I used to post on a message board, but the people on it became disgusted with me and asked me to stop posting since I obviously don't want to leave. This is what always happens. I disgust and disappoint those who think they can help me. I do want to leave. I want to leave so badly. I'm sick and I can't manage it. I don't know why and I'm so scared and I feel so alone.
Every half hour or so he calls and coldly asks, "Did you get the insurance yet? Did you get a loan from your parents yet?" If I become upset he hangs up on me. If I answer him he twists away from my words, hammering me with his angry questions about anything and everything except the fact that he won't allow me to be in his house if I disobey him. I must get away; does he not see that's the logical response to his behavior? He says I must "go with the flow" and everything will become great: he won't yell, we won't fight, all I have to do is bend to his will. For seven years I have been breaking my back trying to bend to his will; it is never enough. I told him "There is no flow. Living with you is living in chaos." Of course he can not hear, and the fact that I still expect to reach him is proof positive that there is something very, very wrong with me.
I could so easily lie and say I will ask my mom. I could so easily forge paperwork. I could get a month's worth and cancel; he won't know till I'm dead. The fact that I won't shows how sick I am. I really have something so wrong with me. The counselor who said I'm not sick is wroooong.
posted by OutOfAbuse at 9:41 AM
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