The abuse has gotten worse, yet I can't convince myself to leave. I'm at the point where I say "I have to get out of here, I have to make a plan," but when I think of having a friend come help me get my stuff out, when I think of him coming home to find me gone, I crumple and begin to cry again, because I feel responsible for him, because I don't want him to hurt.
This is insane behavior. He clearly does not care if I hurt. In fact, he taunts me. My lower back is in terrible pain for 5 days now. Why? Because he shoved me to the floor on Friday and bent me forward, so that my spine was in the shape of a C, and slammed down on the back of my neck one, two, three, four times. Both hands. I was crying and asking, "How do you do this to somebody?" My words and the sound of my crying only enraged him more. When I think of this I feel nauseated. Since then he's been brutal with me, constantly and aggressively nitpicking everything I do, as if daring me to leave.
Yet I have not yet taken him up on his dare. I call it "the nuclear option." It means reducing my life to rubble. He's the one that misbehaves, but I'm the one that has to change my email address, my cell phone number, and live in transient homes where I can't be found. And it means hurting him. Which for some reason... I just... I don't understand it myself, so I don't blame you if you don't either.
I started with a new therapist, a very direct woman who calls me on all my bullshit, and who is as baffled as I am at my behavior. Our first session was a real reality check. She said, "I'm not saying this is your fault, not at all, I'm just saying there's something in you or on your past that made you stay the first time he did something like this. Because if you were in your right frame of mind, you just would have laughed and walked out on him immediately."
I said there's been a point with almost every boyfriend I've ever had when I said to myself later, "Why didn't I leave him then?" But then again, doesn't everyone feel that way?
Frankly, I don't care why I'm still here, I just want to get out so badly. I've been avoiding posting here because I'm bored by the idea that I have to write about my past relationships, endlessly poring over every mean thing ever said to me by a guy or by a close girlfriend. I know it's probably necessary but it's boring and exhausting... exhausting like the rest of my life.
I'm exhausted all the time.
This is insane behavior. He clearly does not care if I hurt. In fact, he taunts me. My lower back is in terrible pain for 5 days now. Why? Because he shoved me to the floor on Friday and bent me forward, so that my spine was in the shape of a C, and slammed down on the back of my neck one, two, three, four times. Both hands. I was crying and asking, "How do you do this to somebody?" My words and the sound of my crying only enraged him more. When I think of this I feel nauseated. Since then he's been brutal with me, constantly and aggressively nitpicking everything I do, as if daring me to leave.
Yet I have not yet taken him up on his dare. I call it "the nuclear option." It means reducing my life to rubble. He's the one that misbehaves, but I'm the one that has to change my email address, my cell phone number, and live in transient homes where I can't be found. And it means hurting him. Which for some reason... I just... I don't understand it myself, so I don't blame you if you don't either.
I started with a new therapist, a very direct woman who calls me on all my bullshit, and who is as baffled as I am at my behavior. Our first session was a real reality check. She said, "I'm not saying this is your fault, not at all, I'm just saying there's something in you or on your past that made you stay the first time he did something like this. Because if you were in your right frame of mind, you just would have laughed and walked out on him immediately."
I said there's been a point with almost every boyfriend I've ever had when I said to myself later, "Why didn't I leave him then?" But then again, doesn't everyone feel that way?
Frankly, I don't care why I'm still here, I just want to get out so badly. I've been avoiding posting here because I'm bored by the idea that I have to write about my past relationships, endlessly poring over every mean thing ever said to me by a guy or by a close girlfriend. I know it's probably necessary but it's boring and exhausting... exhausting like the rest of my life.
I'm exhausted all the time.
posted by OutOfAbuse at 7:21 AM
1 Comments:
Yes, I understand the exhaustion. Mental, physical, spiritual, it's all encompassing isn't it?
But you know what? There's something different in the tone of your words now, some sort of spark that gives me hope for your future. It sounds to me like you've actually begun to entertain the idea of leaving again, rather than just resigning yourself to this unnecessarily self-imposed lifetime sentence of pain and torture. Is that true? Have you allowed the idea of leaving to be an option now? If so, it's the first step. At least it was for me anyway. For the longest time I wouldn't even entertain the idea, but once I realized it's validity, the seed of freedom was planted and then it was only a matter of time.
Figuring out why and how you've allowed this to continue is a job for later, once you're free and your mind has had a chance to clear. Now is for finding your way out, no matter what. But to do so, you must be willing to let go, to take that blind leap of faith into an unknown world. The fear is paralyzing, I know, but I promise you, it's worth it.
You are not responsible for him, his feelings, or his actions, period.
Beverly
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