Birthday ramblings
Sister3 and I were sort of making fun of Sister2 a few nights ago -- Sister2 sorta spoils her kids and is wrapped around their little fingers, and the younger of our neices told her she was "weely fweaked out" because Sister1's husband said he was going to give her a yellow card (during the world cup) -- this niece is charming and lovely but ONLY talks this way ("wheely" instead of "really," which she is perfectly capable of saying) when her mom and dad come into the room -- it's all in gentle fun, mostly because the neice in question is the least freaked out child in the world...
Cut to ... my memories of when he would have me put the kids to bed, and he'd either fall asleep or have a panic attack and be unavailable, and I would sit with the kids and put them to bed. The older one (9) would drop right off, but the younger guy (7) never fell asleep easily. Chez his mom, he won't go to sleep until his mother kisses him, and if she is out for the evening he sits up and cries. At our house, I fit the bill -- high praise for a stepmom. I would sit with him and joke and suggest things he could think about ("Wait, [myname]! What do I think about??" he'd ask if I left without doing this).
Usually he'd go so sleep but a lot of times he'd cry, big tears that seemed outsized, like from grownup eyes, just feeling lost. "My parents got divorced so I'm nobody's kid," he'd say at 4 and 5 years old, and at 7, he said he didn't feel that way, but just felt afraid, "not comfortable," alone. He'd call me at 2am, 3am, he'd wake and call my name and I'd be out the door before I even opened my eyes and he'd just be crying, crying so silently, and I'd sit with him till he dropped off again.
The night before his communion he was so nervous, and asked me to at least stay there till they both went to sleep, I remember it so clearly, because I said "But I don't fit in your bed and I don't ahve one of my own in here." Suddenly a comforter rained down from the top bunk (his brother's) and a pillow hit the floor (his) and what choice did I have but to snuggle up in my little boys'-made nest? They were both asleep within 20 minutes.
The communion itself was a nightmare. His mother and sister had made a horrible fuss that I should not be allowed to sit up front "with the family." Knowing this it was so hard to be cordial to the mother. His sister did not even show up, because she took the wrong route, so after all her hate-filled spewing and demands that she be given my ticket, she wasn't even there. By the end of the day he was so drunk I had to ask people to leave, then spend the evening cleaning up the alcohol he'd spilled all over the bedroom, and then hating him as he did drugs long into the night.
I know I had to leave but I will never be okay with it. I don't see how any relationship will ever be as good as the ones I had with the kids. And he destroyed that. I want to kill him for it. I will never be OK with this. A heart that breaks for a guy? Pish-posh. A heart that breaks for a child? So much worse.
I am crippled with this pain today. I miss the kids so much. In a way I've never missed anything. I can't stand to think he'd be crying at his father's house without me there. He yells at the older kid and assumes the younger one is fine and I -- well I suppose he'll let them sleep with him in the big bed now, which is all they want anyway. I hope so. I really hope so.
Cut to ... my memories of when he would have me put the kids to bed, and he'd either fall asleep or have a panic attack and be unavailable, and I would sit with the kids and put them to bed. The older one (9) would drop right off, but the younger guy (7) never fell asleep easily. Chez his mom, he won't go to sleep until his mother kisses him, and if she is out for the evening he sits up and cries. At our house, I fit the bill -- high praise for a stepmom. I would sit with him and joke and suggest things he could think about ("Wait, [myname]! What do I think about??" he'd ask if I left without doing this).
Usually he'd go so sleep but a lot of times he'd cry, big tears that seemed outsized, like from grownup eyes, just feeling lost. "My parents got divorced so I'm nobody's kid," he'd say at 4 and 5 years old, and at 7, he said he didn't feel that way, but just felt afraid, "not comfortable," alone. He'd call me at 2am, 3am, he'd wake and call my name and I'd be out the door before I even opened my eyes and he'd just be crying, crying so silently, and I'd sit with him till he dropped off again.
The night before his communion he was so nervous, and asked me to at least stay there till they both went to sleep, I remember it so clearly, because I said "But I don't fit in your bed and I don't ahve one of my own in here." Suddenly a comforter rained down from the top bunk (his brother's) and a pillow hit the floor (his) and what choice did I have but to snuggle up in my little boys'-made nest? They were both asleep within 20 minutes.
The communion itself was a nightmare. His mother and sister had made a horrible fuss that I should not be allowed to sit up front "with the family." Knowing this it was so hard to be cordial to the mother. His sister did not even show up, because she took the wrong route, so after all her hate-filled spewing and demands that she be given my ticket, she wasn't even there. By the end of the day he was so drunk I had to ask people to leave, then spend the evening cleaning up the alcohol he'd spilled all over the bedroom, and then hating him as he did drugs long into the night.
I know I had to leave but I will never be okay with it. I don't see how any relationship will ever be as good as the ones I had with the kids. And he destroyed that. I want to kill him for it. I will never be OK with this. A heart that breaks for a guy? Pish-posh. A heart that breaks for a child? So much worse.
I am crippled with this pain today. I miss the kids so much. In a way I've never missed anything. I can't stand to think he'd be crying at his father's house without me there. He yells at the older kid and assumes the younger one is fine and I -- well I suppose he'll let them sleep with him in the big bed now, which is all they want anyway. I hope so. I really hope so.
posted by OutOfAbuse at 11:17 AM
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