sudden leaving

everyone keeps saying I am so courageous. I do not feel courageous.

here is what happened:

we had a wonderful weekend. but on sunday night he began nagging me about borrowing money from my parents. he kept haranguing me about how I was "sitting on a mountain of money." we sat in the car as he nagged and nagged and said "you had better work on them this week when you see them." which soon became "I'm locking you out of the house until you agree to get the money." then the subject switched (money is the theme of the evening) -- to life insurance. he was incensed that I did not have a life insurance policy with him as the beneficiary. he said "you will get the papers tomorrow or you will be locked out every day until you leave for california. this will make it difficult to pack, won't it?"

I said I would get a policy when I saw proof that I was on his policy. As usual, he said he would not show me anything till I did what he asked of me -- got a policy, showed him the papers. From experience I knew that if I did my part, he would still not do his, and I said so. And round and round we went...

All evening I tried to do what he wanted -- took out the garbage, cleaned up, didn't eat when he told me I could not eat, just didn't make a fuss -- thinking he would stop eventually -- but every time Ithought I was done and sat down, he asked, "Did you get the money yet?" "Did you get the insurance papers yet?" in a taunting voice...

Still the next morning I felt relieved when he told me to drive him to the station and did not mention locking me out -- but on the drive to the station he began grilling and nagging me again -- rather than lying (why did I not just lie??) or saying "yes" to his demands, I just kept on my course, saying "I am not going to ask for a loan, I do not want a country house, I am not getting life insurance for you," and he said "That is the wrong answer" and turned around to go to the house and lock me out of it -- he said I could get my computer -- I went in and grabbed it -- I had packed it with all cables, external hard disk, and my most importnat files -- I wanted to grab some other things but he was screaming -- so I left and drove him to his office --

I was so out of sorts and miserable -- here i was, locked out again-- he called twice to taunt me further, to nag me about money -- and to inform me that I would be locked out every day till I left for my trip. I was feeling frayed when my mom called...

she said "are you coming to see your father today?"

I said "it's too late, I have to be back at 5 to pick TK up at the station"

she said "Why? You're an adult with your own life."

I said ruefully, "TK would beg to differ."

She began talking gently about her cousin who was killed by her husband. She said "her husband was so charming. We never saw him act that way. And after he killed her he was horrified at what he had done."

Rather than argue and defend, I just surrendered.

"Why would he do it if it made him feel bad?" I asked.

"Because he was crazy. Because they are crazy. Please just get in your car and come home now."

I did. I left with the clothes on my back and my computer. I turned off my phone and changed my email. I went to California and moved in with my sister. I feel lost, alone, weird, unsettled. I knew this would feel like chaos. but I am so relieved. The pain will come later; for now it is a relief to know i can sleep through the night without being awakened to nurse him thru a panic attack. To know I can refuse to clear the table and not taste floor as a result. Oh god. It's so sweet not to live in fear... is this what it has come to? The simple pleasure of not living in constant fear? Why did I allow it to go on for so long?

Questions I'll have to answer soon. Not now. Not now. Too tired. Not now.