this is pathetic to admit and I am so ashamed but I've been unable to get out of bed today. I get up for a little while and then boom I just get sleepy and lie down again. I have no energy and I know I am supposed to force myself to exercise but I am just crying so much and my head hurts and that makes me cry more.

I don't want to do anything and I just keep thinking why was this allowed to happen to me? everyone could hear him screaming at me. his therapist knew things were very bad. his mother witnessed him screaming at me. the kids too and they just went right on playing. does everyone think this is normal? what about when we were driving to ikea and he pulled over and threw me out of the car in the middle of long island? what about when he shoved me out the front door and began slamming it on me with the outer door closed so I kept getting jammed in the middle? What about when he took the hammer and smashed my face into the steps and poked the hammer into me? What was he telling himself to make this ok? That I was a bitch for yelling at him and deserved it? But why did nobody else tell him this was unacceptable? Does this go on every day in every street?

And I know it's really my fault for allowing it to go on for so long but where was everyone else? I mean in that broken down broken up state was I really supposed to know how to fight back? Am I really to be condemned because I yelled back, and since all yelling is bad, I was just as bad as he was? Is this really how it works, one person can abuse another and that person has to behave like a saint or be abandoned because she's an abuser too?

I feel all this -- I feel so angry -- I feel so sick. I'm lost. I don't care about anything. I don't want to get better, what for? So I can go into a new relationship and get treated like sh!t again? Oh sure they all start out great, but down the road somewhere, I'm going to get crapped on adn I'm going to have to put up with it because all relationships have something wrong with them and I'm just going to end up feeling just as alone as I did with him so what's the point? What is the point??

Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to fix everything now? Nobody stuck up for me? Nobody he knows? Nobody said "This doesn't sound right?" His friends saw, not all of it, but they saw really bad times, did they just think "well she must like it like that?"

I have nobody to call because nobody is left, nobody who knows me still loves me. That's not true I guess but I can't stand to call anyone because what will I do, just cry while they sit at the other end of the phone doing dishes, waving their husbands away while miming "it's [myname]," wishing they didn't have this screeching noise in their ear, telling me to get up and go for a walk? What for? Where am I walking to? My life's a treadmill, I'm walking nowhere.

I can't take any more of this, I don't want to make every decision myself, that must be why I let him control everything, because I can't do it on my own. There is something wrong wtih me, that's why I stayed in it, that's why i got in it in the first place. Normal people don't get into these things. A normal woman would have walked away the first time he screamed about the ethernet cable. Before. Way before. I was in this because it fed me, isn't that what the codependent literature says? so what's the point? if that's what i am what's the point? his therapist said I was codependent for staying, why didn't she tell him he was codependent for trying to force me to stay, for threatening what would happen to me if I left? I feel like I've been emotionally gangraped and I honestly see no way out.

So sorry this is so long. I would delete it but I'm afraid not to because if the words aren't here, they'll stay inside me. God my head hurts.